A New Federal Agency for a New Economy! An Idea Whose Time Has Come!
We need a permanent economic stimulus generator in this time of financial trepidation!
Too many Americans are feeling financial angst. Uncertainty breeds fear, and fear slows consumption. We must eliminate the tyranny of uncertainty from our shores forever!
As Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself!"
It is time for The Agency For The Enablement of Consuming!
This new and necessary agency's primary mission will be to provide perpetual stimulus for the economy.
This agency will also guarantee the consumer with the security and dignity befitting their true contribution to global job creation.
Finally, the professional consumer will be recognized for their heroic efforts on the behalf of those who do not have talent to be true consumers.
Never again will Americans have to tolerate the tedium and stress associated with working. Let the populations of other nations do the working. We have evolved beyond being mere workers. In this era of global competition, Americans must do what we do best. Americans are the best at shopping, creating codependent support groups, and doing lunch.
We ask all to come together to insure that the Congress creates this vital agency. This is a "now" agency for a N.O.W. nation!
Powers Granted to The Agency For Enablement Of Consuming
This new federal agency will be empowered to guarantee complete total financing of all consumers. This agency's authority will insure that the economy maintains a minimum growth rate of twenty percent per annum.
This agency will have authority over the bankruptcy laws of the United States. Any time the Consumer Confidence Index drops below 95 percent, this agency is empowered to dissolve all consumer mortgage and credit card debt.
This new agency will forever remove uncertainty over the future for the professional consumer by providing pensions and medical insurance for all qualified consumers. This is in addition to an entitlement of $2500 per month for living expenses for a single consumer. Each dependent will increase the consumer's entitlement by $750 per month, up to a maximum of $10,000 per month.
The accumulated psychic damages from prior generation's attitudes towards minorities are automatically redressed by the authority granted this new agency. All victims of persecution (both prior and current generations) will receive double the monthly entitlement allowed to white males, and their families. However, mixed marriages will receive a special bonus consumption allotment for assisting in our nation's goal of diversity!
This agency also redresses the physical and mental risks of consuming that have been traditionally borne by women throughout history. Should a woman have a physical or mental breakdown while consuming for her country, the business owners that caused this event will be subject to a $1,000,000 fine and payment of all expenses necessary for her complete physical and psychic recovery. This new agency will guarantee that no woman will ever again be subjected to any stress which might impair her consumption function!
This agency will also hire psychic healers and channelers to insure that any and all psychic damage to consumers is identified and redressed. The agency will establish professional standards that healers and channelers must meet prior to employment with the agency. The agency will also work with the appropriate government agencies to facilitate the financing for professional schools of psychic healing and channeling. This will allow the agency to fulfill its objective to insure a sufficient quantity of qualified psychic care practioners to meet the needs of the new society.
California has already mandated tribal psychic healing methods as mandatory for the Hmong peoples. New careers abound in California as a result of this enlightened court ruling! Sacramento's Third District Court of Appeal ruled that the slaughtered animals and herbal medicines were part of a traditional Hmong spirit-calling ceremony called Hublee, designed to heal the souls of those who are sick and injured. The new agency would automatically address this pressing need via its professional cadre of psychic healers and channelers.
This agency will insure that all student loans are placed in a suspense account, pending later resolution by a rescheduling of all government debt. In the interim, the necessary interest payments will be borrowed by the government. These new IOU's will be placed into the same trust fund that holds the Social Security IOU's. This will insure confidence by the lenders in this government agency's creditworthiness.
This agency will be responsible for the issuance of Consumer Debit Cards to all citizens over three weeks old. This will insure that all consumers will have their own Consumer Debit Card. This will allow minors to learn the art of consuming from the beginning of their development This new childhood conditioning program will eradicate antisocial traits such as saving, investing, and frugality from the society in only one generation. Studies have shown that this double crediting of family's accounts will create 1,000,000 new jobs.
This agency will be responsible for the creation of, and the enforcement of the Professional Consumer status. The Agency will have complete access to all consumer expenditures to insure that no moneys are diverted into selfish, socially deviant activities such as buying assets that do not depreciate.
Buying raw land or commodities is a forbidden activity. The purchasing of gold, silver, collectibles such as gold jewelry and rare watches, and the hoarding of currency over $25.00 are also prohibited activities The penalty for these activities is suspension of the citizens Professional Consumers status.
The establishment of IRA's or 401K's shows a lack of faith in your government. This deviant behavior will be deemed an antisocial action, and will result in a permanent loss of your Professional Consumer status.
Any consumer who has lost their Professional Consumer status will be denied all medical services (including dental and psychic health services), all further credits to their good consumer retirement account, and a 80 percent reduction of their monthly entitlement ration. Any consumer who allows more than a five percent equity buildup in their residence will lose their Professional Consumer status until such time as they refinance their residence, and begin consuming with the funds.
The last power given to this agency is the authority to award the Medal Of Honor to any consumer who dies while engaging in extraordinary consumption. This new category of the Medal Of Honor will show the public what is expected of them in this new economy. All recipients are eligible for burial in the shopping center of their choice at the government's expense!
The Costs and Benefits of this New Agency
Studies suggest that all the costs incurred by this agency will be offset by the new bull market in equities. Investors may have complete confidence that the Dow Jones Industrial Average will reach 1,000,000 three years after the creation of this agency. This will completely eliminate the pension crisis that so many corporations are facing today.
Economists in the real estate sector estimate that housing prices will increase 40 times with this new stimulus. The taxes collected from real estate sales should eliminate the true National Debt in four years.
Some economists estimate that the net trickle down effect will result in quintupling the GNP, and create 1,900,000 jobs No wages and benefits have to be paid, because all consumers will have their Consumer Debit Cards, which provides for all expenses.
A small increase in business taxes will occur, but most businesses will be so happy to have free labor that the new 90 percent business tax should not be considered onerous. The reality is that the consumers have most of the votes, so there will be no real resistance to this tax increase from the Congress.
Freed from the tyranny of employee costs, businesses will create huge staffs. Some studies have shown that there will be soon more jobs available in the US than there are workers on the planet. This will create major breakthroughs in robotics, which will transform the US into the supreme technologist of the globe.
One study estimated that the creation of this agency will create $17,000,000,000 in new spending for the US. It will also eliminate counterfeiting of our currency, and identify theft, as there would no longer be any profit in these activities. Violent crime would plummet as most people will now be properly medicated.
In fact, many criminals have already changed their behavior as a result of the existing Medicare program. In earlier years, sex offenders would have resorted to crime to get their Viagra. Now Medicaid provides Viagra for them, removing the need for them to resort to crime to get their drugs. Medicaid may be the only process left in America that hardens American males at this time.
Here we see the first hint at how successful this new government agency will be at stimulating new business opportunities. Medicaid coverage providing Viagra for sex offenders has already yielded many benefits. The drug companies profits are up, demand for sex abuse therapists is up, increased demand for sex crime experts in the police departments, more tax collectors hired to collect the new taxes, more newspaper ads for property tax liens filed and the resulting tax auctions, etc.
This federal agency will create untold wealth for the entire globe!
If none of the expected financial benefits should materialize, we can always issue 100 year bonds. One Hundred year bonds were popular in the 1890's. After all, "we owe it to ourselves". Issuing 100 year bonds insures that the generations yet unborn will get stuck with the whole bill, and we won't have to listen to them complain about their status as financial slaves. Think of all the wonderful benefits that will occur from issuing all these new bonds. The money supply will go into Warp nine!
Forget E Pluribus Unum. This nation's motto is Got Pork?