- WHAT on earth...?
- Sorry, if you could just keep turned to the wall...
- But what in the hell is that?!
- This? Why, it's the...ummm...it's the Easer!
- The what?
- The Easer. You know, for the Quantitative Easing. Now, if you could just keep facing the wall for me...
- Does it really have to be so big? Jeez, it looks...it looks medieval...
- But this is state of the art. Ground-breaking, in fact! And you are a very sick man, as we agreed. The blood-tests would prove it...if only we had time to wait for the lab results to come back.
- I don't know about this, doctor. I'm feeling kinda bloated already...
- Precisely the problem, my dear fellow! If you were up-to-par today, you'd be feeling ravenous...gobbling down whatever the canteen had to offer. But since you can't stomach any more down the...erm...down the usual route, as we doctors call it, then we'll just have to...well...go in the other way! You see the logic, of course.
- I guess. But this Quantity Easing though. How does it work exactly...?
- It's not quantity, it's Quanti-tay-tive....and you must forgive me, but explaining this to a layman - even a smart guy like you, and a guy with such deep pockets - really would take too long. We need to cut to the chase. There's not a moment to lose. Besides, I'm due on the golf course at three...
- There's really no other option?
- In technical terms, you should be dead by now. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that you aren't already...
- Can't we run through the alternatives first?
- The alternatives?! Listen, I spoke with both Dr. Bernanke and Dr. Paulson at the renowned Washington Clinic. I checked with Dr. King on Threadneedle Street in London...y'know, just across from Harley Street. Then I called Dr. Roth's team in Switzerland...Hell, I even rang the Chinese, just to see if there wasn't something I might be missing with tigers feet or panda roots! But they all agreed. You need a mega-dose of quantité - and quick...
- A what of what?
- A mega-dose of quantité. Y'know, from the French. As in Quantitative Easing. As in the treatment you've come for...to get your quantité eased...
- So this procedure is French?
- What's with all the questions? You're not here from 60 Minutes are you? I've already had Dr. Paulson sign the consent form for you. So if you could just face the wall, we can get started and hand you over to Dr. Obama's after-care clinic...
- I simply want to know what's happening...
- Okay, okay. The treatment was perfected in Japan about a decade ago. Y'know...shiatsu, Shiseido, ground wasabi, all that mineral extract crap. Hell, you could walk of here today with the clear complexion of a Tokyo school girl! Well, maybe not walk exactly. Not today...
- But will it work, doctor?
- You just saw the size of The Easer, right? Thing is, the Japanese applied too little, too late. Dr. Bernanke's analysis proves it...or rather, it would prove it if only they could roll back the clock like he's rewound the US to the 1930s. But back then, the clinical consensus when it came to unblocking the pipe-work was for a diet of liquids and liquidation. Crazy, I know! And in Japan, it was like 10 years before Tokyo dared to apply The Easer. That's why the effect was so muted...
- Hang on...You mean Quantitative Easing never actually cured anyone?
- Not in practice, no. But this is cutting edge, remember. You're gonna make history! And in theory, this stuff works magic. Really, on the Fed's econometric models it's already prevented the Great Depression and Japan's Lost Decade, too...
- But you just said that it failed in Japan...
- Only in reality, and only because they shilly-shallied too long! If they'd acted as fast as I'm gonna ease you today, I swear they would have been all fixed up long ago.
- You sure you know what you're doing?
- See that certificate on the wall up there?
- Graduate of Spring Break, 1982...?
- Cost me a fortune in framing! Now, keep your eyes fixed on it...and there she goes!
- HEY! Now just hold on, Doc! Honestly, I really am feeling much better today. Just a little run down, you know? And bloated, like I said. So I just can't see how...well...how yet more easing is going to help. I mean, Dr. Greenspan promised me we were all done with easing after three years of the damn stuff back in 2004. But now look at me! Really, all I think I need is a rest...
- A rest? In your condition?! You'd freeze up entirely! Your whole Liboric system could shut down...
- My what?
- Your Liboric system. It could shut down. Entirely.
- You guys make it all sound so complicated...
- Aw, c'mon - just look at The Easer! You think this is rocket science?
- Well...no. Looks more like a giant turkey baster...
- That's the spirit! I've always preferred goose, myself...Anyways, if you could just relax for me. Trust me, this will be easy...
- That's what Dr. Greenspan kept saying...
